Not a Life

For so many reasons, i feel like i’m beaten up so bad.


i officially so missed my besties.

i missed Tyaz for the days where i never ever even think i had a problem. i miss the atmosphere of friendship and the pat in the back that always supported me back then. the fact is that now she finds it so hard to keep patting me on the back. not that i blame her. it’s just… no time and sometimes it just…. hard to keep stories with her when it seems like i had a thousand stories to share.

i missed Wiramihardja for the days of our late-skype-nite. i missed the way he asked me about his essay n i sent him my Psych Report. i missed him for his brainstorming advice and the look on his face each time i asked him to put on a smile. he used to set my feet back on earth and came clear about reality when all i do is dreaming way too high. again, not that i blame him either. in fact i’m happy now that he (finally, after the longest time ever) has a date, and that’s a guarantee for securing his social life (hahahaa…).

i missed Crystal for daydreaming with her. for a comfort run to the bookstore, for a long and never ending talk and laughter. she’s struggling for her hearts’ pieces right now and i feel like an inglorious bastard (watch me Tal, that’s bastard not basterd… XD ) each time she texted me and knowing i couldnt reply hers. sometimes late at nite, i woke up and prayed that she’s fine. that she wont be awaken becoz of her nightmare, and moreover, when i cant comfort her enough. (sigh).

i missed Karina, Aloii n Bom2. i havent seen them in like forever. i missed the laughters we share, i missed the jokes and i missed their silliness. i missed their everything’s-gonna-be-alrite-all-u-have-to-do-is-laugh-with-us-so-come-come-here look on their faces. i missed them like crazy, i do.

and moreover, i missed him.
this one is the strangest thing. i hear his voice everyday and it just takes like ten minutes walk to his place, but it feels like it’s been ages since our last “talk”. i missed him for our quality time. for the longgggg talk and stories, for the hugs and smiles. not that we dont talk. we do. i mean, why did Bell invented phone for?? but it’s just different when u call just to let you know where u are, whatcha up to and when u call just to share some stories. he doesnt even know i’m entering a writing match! Geez, he’s my boyfriend and i havent had the TIME yet to tell him i’m taking one step further in reaching my dreams.

and my dreams? yeah rite.
sometimes i really want to admit that i dream way too much. But not in a thousand years would i really admit that. That’s gonna give Wiramihardja a long time laughter and i’m not gonna give him that pleasure… mwahahahahhahaa….
well, it’s just…. tiring and exhausting to run after what seems impossible. knowing it’s impossible yet i insisted to run for it yet i dont want to give up yet i’m admitting that yes, i’m tired. that’s irritating, really. and feels like ironic.

the worst truth is, i dont know how i could tell them i’m not fine with this. i mean, what am i supposed to say? call Tyaz and tell her “yea…i know Yaz, it’s not your fault. But i sort of think you dont support me enough anymore. i know, i know, it’s just the condition that should be blamed.. but u know Yaz…i’m missing u here.” Tyaz would FLY to my place and i’ll make her feel as guilty as if she had killed somebody and put the body somewhere faraway and tell everybody that she doesnt know anything.

okay, that’s so overreacting…but u get the point. (sigh).

and Wiramihardja? Tell him rightaway that it’s officially much easier to get him online when he was single? Geez he would like, “what’s wrong with you?” and hey, it’s hard for him to manage his study and social time already. so when he got a date it’s so natural that i find it harder to find him.

and Crystal? Walk up to her and tell her like, “You know Tal, have you ever feel like screaming the hell ‘WHERE is EVERYBODY??” when maybe she is the one who would gladly tell me, “Hello? where were u when i texted u..?”

and….him….?
i… i dont know, really.

sometimes it feels like i cant feel myself. and that’s not a good feeling.
i wish i could just sleep this away and wake up with everything back to normal,
that i dont have to wake up 3 in the morning and post an entry to my blog just to confess that i feel so lonely and cant tell my besties and my boyfriend that i feels lonely. and the worst part is that i dont know how to tell them i MISSED you all with every single cell in my body.
i’d trade anything just to have EVERY SINGLE ONE of you here by my side.

if it wasnt too late for beg Santa for a wish, then i wish Santa would pop Tyaz from Jogja, Crystal from Bali, Wiramihardja from Berkeley, Aloii-Karina-Bum2 from their house and him from his house here to my room, where i could throw my body to their hugs, where i know they would erase my tears, where i know they would look at me asking “what did u do now?”, where i know i’m safe, where i could kiss him, and where i could tell them i missed them, i loved them, and it’s not a life when they are not here.

happy Christmas…

Published by reylasano

she writes your stories

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