What if, something feels too painful to tell?
For such a reason, i force myself to believe that by not talking about it, someday the pain will just go away. someday it will vanished. someday everything will make sense. someday i’ll be able to talk about it and making it sounds like a funny story.
silly. for i spent years on making people see, that such belief is futile. that by holding to that belief, we lose our ability to express feelings. we lose our sense to talk. we lose our value to trust someone else.
yet, it feels like a safe sanctuary. to run away, you see. to not facing it. to hide, in hope when you finally come out, things were different. things were better. things were lighter.
i force myself to do this. why did i say i force? because half of me is fully aware, that this is not the way i handle problems. i’m not running away. i face things. i dont hide. part of me know this is not right, the other thinks it makes sense to hide sometimes. to be afraid. to run away. to feel tired.
i force myself to laugh. i force myself to live my day as nothing happened. i force myself to pretend like things were allright. i force myself not to think about it, i force myself to study. i force myself to go to meetings, i force myself to write. i force myself to do ANYTHING to keep A off my mind.
again, silly. i hug, cheer, listen to so many friends about the typical problem. i gave the same advice one after antoher. i told them not to force themself. i told them to admit that pain is still there. yet i couldnt apply it to me right now. and it’s hard. too hard.
i did it so good. forcing myself, i mean. i did it really good. i bake some nice cakes, i even could cook some fettucine, chicken cordon bleu and smoked beef canape pretty well. i got a pretty nice project at college, my grades werent so bad, i’m more than enthusiastic in pursuing my classes, i have some stories ready at hand, i did good with Ballade Pour Adeline… so i think i did it good on forcing myself.
But today, a rush of pain, tears, sadness hit me so hard. and it came from a best friend. funny, she was the only one who noticed something is wrong with me. despite my successful attempt to fake to everybody, she noticed it clearly. everything start from an incident at a peaceful tuesday morning. i had to break a promise i’ve been waiting for almost a month with her. it was a sudden thing, and i knew she felt so much disappointed. later on, she said i was being secretive, she said she feels like a left-out. she got it half wrong and half right. half wrong for the part of her being a left out, half right for the part i was being secretive. she sensed that something went wrong, but i didnt tell her anything.
like i said, some things are too painful to tell.
but it feels so surprising that there is one person walking the earth who could actually tell that i’m not me, that something wrong is happening to me, even when i think i did it so good with my faking attitude. she outranks Wiramihardja in -i-know-something’s-wrong-with-you-spill-it-out-now-dont-fake-anything-and-i-dont-want-any-detail-left-now-speak- department, seriously.
and i heart her so deep. and during these times, her never ending support means a lot. remember i’m, awful with verbally expressing things? so you see, this is one of thousand things i cant express verbally nice.
about being grateful.
thanks to you girl, for being my person and i really meant it. how do you manage to see what i’m successfully hiding from anyone else? 🙂
so then, her words, suddenly it just hits me. suddenly i feel so sad. suddenly i feel my heart aching so bad. suddenly, i realize, i’m running away all along now. suddenly i realized that i, in contrary with what i’ve been exclaiming this whole month, am very very very very sad.
i feel sad to the point which i cant explain anymore. “sad” even will not fit in well with what i actually feel. “sad” sounds not enough. “sad” is nothing to compare to what i feel. to what i’ve been going through.
i’m not overrated matters, really.
because i think it’s me. i am the problem.
because this is me, on the edge of giving up on A.
and it goes beyond sad, i assure you that.