I laugh when i cry. seriously, damn stupid but that is just exactly what i do.
it seems that every time i try to tell my besties a sad story, it just turns out as if i were telling them a joke. and so many times were supposed to be a tear-sharing sessions, in contrary they appeared as a laughters-sharing sessions.
it has nothing to do with hiding things. i am way too comfortable with each of them to feel like i need to hide things that continuously flowing through my mind. i dont feel like hiding from them the fact that i am so mesed up inside. i dont even need to hide the fact that i develop this insomnia-like habit every night, they’ll notice it anyway, so i dont bother hiding it.
it just… seeing their laugh bring somewhat a warm feeling across my heart. that i could still share a laugh with them while struggling in my own miserability. altough, it’s quite easy to admit that i dont laugh like i used to be. it’s just…. by seeing their happy face i think i feel less miserable. by being there to share a laugh i feel less unworthy. by being with them, i feel less lonely.
yet it would always strikes me back at night. and no matter how hard i try, i couldnt get myself to get a sleep. i eat a lot. so much really reaally a lot. it looks like i’m turning into some kind of specimen that feels hungry every 15 minutes.
to be honest, i feel so broken inside. for so many times it is so nice being around my besties, in another times, it feels okay to be alone.
i lose my ability to cry, when crying is the one thing i want to do the most. because it releases the pain. tears and crying relieves part of the burden. and i lost that very basic ability of letting emotions out of my heart.
i’m going to die.
right, as if i’m not already.