Hi everyone, this is me again, Rey, posting from the Earth after months of adventure and lost in Mars.
Heavy things are happening in my life and to be honest, I have no idea how I will go through things.
Last month, I lost my father.
Believe me, that was not easy to write. So many things are not easy to write for me now. I’ve been hibernating from any form of writing this whole month. I could not write anything. This blog, my undergrad theses, my movie reflection assignment, poem, diary, anything. I barely managed to even write email or worse, texting people. People I actually cared about, people I want to make sure that they know I’ll be allright. But after weeks trying, I gave up. I cant lie to them and how could i make people sure i’ll be allright when i myself know that i wont?
But as life was always be, shining stars were given to light my way. and even in times when i don’t want to rely on their lights, in times when i just want to sit there and not moving anywhere, they keep shining and shining and shining and shining like they wont stop enlighten my way. they wont stop to try to make it easier for me.
I cant possibly tell you guys again about my lost, because it is still way too painful to write. But i can tell you this: a story about those shining stars in my darkest sky.
When the news about my daddy hit me, i was laughing to myself. i couldnt cry. i just laugh. seeing this as the biggest prank and lie someone ever told me. i was holding my cellphone and have no idea what to do with that thing. i didnt want to call A, for i think my mum must’ve call him or his mum, i’m savin my energy, i could not bring it to say “dad’s gone” over and over again.
So i searched for Kevin’s number but soon realized it was in my other phone and that phone has been damaged entirely. literally, you could not turn it on. I called his home, and now just realized how foolish that was. It was 3 a.m and Kevin wasnot even there. I dont know what was i thinking. And his father answered the phone, he was really surprised, i said i could not reach his son, and he said he’l ldo it for me.
then I called Jude and she didnt answer her phone and i know she must’ve been asleep and i have had no intention on disturbing her slumber. so i called Aloi, Bom2, Rinane, but they all didnt answer the call. For just one brief moment, i feel so……. alone. No one really wake up from my call and i’m sort of “where is everybody??” and this wasn’t something i could face on my own.
and then i called Cindy and she was…………. i must say Cindy is really the first person other than my family and A who talked to me about this. and her reaction was……………………….. extra flat. i was kinda confused, later on, angry, disappointed. her tone was just…… like it was nothing. she just said she was sorry and she’ll notify the other girls. But i have no time on questioning that and i just said “okay then”.
i rushed to the hospital with my family and A was also there but to be honest I could not really remember what was goin on, who said what and all. It’s like i’ve been isolated from the other sounds and untill i saw my dad, I still believe that it was a mistake.
after i saw him, i think i switched into a zombie mode. i hear things, i see things, i said yes most of the time but i have no idea what people are talking about. it is hard to describe a feeling like that, moreover it feels like you dont feel anything. it was just……. and endless emptiness.
there i understand, grief is not something you can sympathize, much less empathize. it is something….. you have to feel by yourself so then you can understand how it feels. and it is something i’ve never felt before and it was really uncomfortable.
then my phone rang. i didnt recognize the number, so i presume it was just another relative who called to say they’re sorry and blah blah blah, like ten calls i received before.
the first “hello” is the first sound i really UNDERSTAND after so-called zombie-like state. it was Kevin and he just said, “Ri?” like that. and i couldnt help but tell him things i havent tell other people before and it was hard because i tried hard not to cry and i didnt want him to feel helpless just listening to me. But there he was, staying there in the line. I have no idea what time it was in Berkeley back then, but i was grateful that he was there. I’ve been best friends with Kevin for such a long time and i know that he was not so good in words department and most of the time he could only say “well….” “well….” and “well……..” but only his presence and warmth in his voice and his willingness to immediately called me and stay there untill i hang up the phone is the very thing i need from a best friend. Kevin’s call comfort me as i know i am not alone. his call hugged me from across the sea to tell that when everyone wasnt there, he was. I’m pretty sure even when he is asleep, he’ll wake up when i called. because that’s what always happened when i called him by midnight in Berkeley’s time, crying to him about A and everything. It was comforting. and warm. he ended the call by saying, “Contact me should you need anything. keep me posted.”
soon after, Jude called. and to her, i could not hold my tears. i moved away from my family and A and i sat in another corner outside the …room and i cried so hard. and Jude wasnt saying anything. but then this surprised me: she cried for me. the Christina Yang cried for her Meredith Grey. that is the last thing i will expect from her. she cried while she was trying to comfort me with wise words. but her wise words were just unheard. she was crying and crying and crying with me. her call, is the first thing that set me back to earth. Jude’s call and her cry is the first thing that touch me and bring me back to reality. i am not telling lies. her call was certainly the call that open my eyes and activate all my senses that’s been in zombie like.
why? because her call and cries strengthen me. because it was not a flat emotion or empty words of “i’m sorry to hear that”. it was a call that hug me, it was a call that brings the same feeling when your best friend hold your hand and says “everything is gonna be okay and i’ll stay here with you.” it was a call, that have the power to boost your energy. a call that have the power to make you strong.
so when we ended the call, I felt better. it was still bad. it was still uncomfortable. but it was better.
Later that day, Aloy, Bom2, Rinane, Cindy, Dhani and Indah came to my house. They didnt say anything they juz ask me how i’m doin and try to make me laugh. they tell funny stories and behaved funny and smiled a lot, and i was sure they were doing their best to make me feel better.
and they did.
we went into my room and……………. and in some point i ended up telling them stories about my dad, how i’m gonna miss him, how he was so good to me, and how i can not believe this is true. i didnt look in their eyes when i was telling them those stories. i couldnt. i knew the moment i caught one of their eyes, i’ll burst into tears and i was afraid i’ll be somewhat unstoppable.
But i finally looked up and……………………..
and they were crying. they were crying with me and if only i could capture that moment into a picture, i’ll keep it close forever. those moments strengthen you, you know. and suddenly i feel okay. i feel i wasnt alone. and altough right now i couldnt find better words in expressing this, but i am glad they were there. i am glad, i have true friends surrounding me..
Days, weeks after that in their own way each of them keep me company. i could feel their touch. not so many words from them, but so many hugs and pat on the back and hugs again and i feel safe.
Kevin constantly e-mailed me asking how are things with me. Jude keeps me company, telling me stories, inviting me to someday explore historical places with her and everything else. Aloy keeps me in track with my assignments and tests and classes. Rinane, Cindy and Bombi keep me laughing most of the times or at least, smiling, e v e r y s i n g l e d a y.
to have them in my life, i am truly blessed.
and through these things i know i have to grow stronger. to be strong, stronger than ever.
i think God has been planning this a long time ago and i know He wanted me to see different things from now on. Havent yet find what He meant, but at least i got one point He’s trying to emphasized:
I have stars in my life. and they shine and shine and shine and shine and will neveer leave me alone through the darkest times.
and i love them. truly, from my heart.
i love you.