Awww…! I’m in final week of my semester! I’m facing like three exams ahead and then off to HOLIDAY people. *dancing dancing*
my exams including that undergrad theses is literally CRAZY. But i’m glad things goin pretty smoothly and i have submitted my final proposal for undergrad theses and i feel so thankful to God and i’m proud of myself and i love my friends even more, especially Aloince for her endless support and hugs and “you’ll be okay” words since the very beginning. i still have another exams to face but i feel even lighter by now. so here’s another update to celebrate the coming holiday!
To Wherever Life Leads Us Both
remember Kevin? yep, last May 29th to June 3rd he was back here, in Indonesia, in Jakarta. i was really glad that after some years i could touch and see his physical form, literally. 😀
and he was exactly as how i’ve always remembered.
i went to his house and we commented on each other’s look, we talk about movies and stories and his graduation and then he asked me about me and A. i knew that this topic will somewhat popped up and i was just.. “weeelll… you knooow…” and he was just like “What?” and it came to the point that i have to tell him everything. it was nice, though. explaining thing like this was kinda hard to do via email and phone calls. and when i told him that i think i dont know A anymore and that we just dont fit, Kevin was laughing. and he said, “Do you really need those three years to figure out that you both dont fit in? that is ridiculous.”
and…………… to think about it, he did make sense. i needed those 3 years to figure out that A…… is a whole different person from who i think he was.
and when i didnt answer, Kevin said, “Ri, you dont seriously want me to believe that it is the reason of your break up? that you find you dont fit each other? shouldnt this happen like two years ago?”
and again, he did make sense.
so i just said, “but that is really what happened and what i felt.”
and Kevin didnt say anything and at this point he stared at me and asked, “okay, so it’s time for a serious conversation.”
so that man didnt consider the topic about my broken relationship with A as a serious conversation. i think maybe that time i could’ve just smack him down. but alas, he was not really sure about A from the beginning so maybe it was a predictable results for him and so he wasnt surprised at all and he wasnt really interested on discussing the topic even deeper.
some part of me think he maybe feel so not comfortable listening on how A change into someone i dont know anymore, because while i was telling him the.. uh, unbelievable stories about A, he suddenly said, “okay enough.” and he didnt want me to tell anymore stories about A and me.
so we changed the conversation to a so-called “serious” conversation. he was asking why i didnt tell him earlier about my dad being hospitalized and all. and he stated that he was surprised to hear the news about my father because he had no idea that dad has been hospitalized for almost four days before…….. before it happened.
i apologized for that and i began telling him the chronology of the event. and it was kinda hard because i fought my tears back and i told him that i think im gonna cry and he said, “no, dont.” i know maybe for you he seemed so rude and kinda lack of empathy, but seriously, i think deep down inside Kevin is one of the most kind hearted person i’ve ever knew. he was just limited by his total dysfunction on using words and expressing emotions and feelings. he’s literally retarded on those emotions and feelings thing, and since i’ve been friends with him for a pretty long time i managed to distinguished which one of his words that are totally and really rude and which ones are actually a form of sympathy from him.
and after i told him everything he just sat there in silence, and i know he doesnt know what to say. but he said this, “Ri, you know me, right?” and he kept repeating itfor like 4 or 5 times and then said, “I….. i really.. i dont know how to say this, okay? I dont know how to make you feel better. i dont know what to say. but you do know me right?”
and i laughed, i said yes i do.
and then he said that it was awkward, that dawn when he called and i was crying and it was really an awkward call because he has a girl in his line crying to him and he didint know what to do.
and i touched his hands and i said, “the message is clear. i got it. and it means a lot for me.”
and he kept repeating the same lines over and over again: you know me rite? you do know me rite?
all my years being friends with him, i know that he would only repeating things he said under these conditions:
1. he’s trying to emphasize something really important
2. he’s anxious or scared.
and so i said, i do know you and being there was enough, more than enough.
he was still not sure and he said that at first he was reluctant to call me. he said that he thought it would be so much better if he just wrote me an email. and by that way he could at least talk longer because via phone, he really had no idea on what to say.
and i laughed once again and said, but you did choose to call, why was that?
and he was like, “what? well because.. well… it was just more “direct” to you.”
and i said “yes, and by that you’ve been there with me and i feel okay about that.”
and that makes me heart him even more, because i know that he does care. that he wishes he could say something wise and nice to comfort me.
all i wish now is that he knows that he’s done more than enough. and the persistence he showed to make sure that i do know him and his limitation on verbal area, is another proof to me that he is really my bestfriend. and i treasure him so very much. i really do.
at first, i was really sad knowing that next year i wont be here, and even if he wasnt sure he could come back here in 2011-2012 year period, some part of me wishes that i am here if he comes back. but then, i think, we’ve been friends along these years and we’ve prooved that even across the ocean and across the countries, we are bestfriend still. and to notice that when we finally meet person-in-person and it was always feel the same, never awkward, never boring, i do believe that even if years and places separate us, we will stay the same.
and so to you, Wiramihardja,
to wherever life leads us both,
i’ll be right beside you and you’ll be right beside me and things are always gonna be fine.
cheers to whatever you’re doin right now, and ………thankyou.