I spent a lot of time thinking and less talking these days. I didnt realize this earlier, And a simple question from a you can call it a lifetime bestfriend prompted my realization.
“have you been more mature now that you have been faraway from home?”
…..like, exactly. That was also the question i wished i could answer. I told him that i cant measure my own maturity. It has to be another person who sees it through me. But i do learn a lot of things, and for sure, certain changes did take place. There are pieces of me that if it is not converted, then it is completely altered, or even maybe perished. To think about it again, i often wondered if he too went through pretty much the same thing. Pretty much the same.. As he described it, the “drama” of staying away from home. And i kind of understand why he behaved his way or why he think as he thought.
For me, being away from home means you entered a a circle of people who are completely stranger to you. Raised in different cultures, laugh over different jokes, get angry over different things, and in my case, being judged endlessly. There are certain people who will never stop trying to change you, and who sees you as a perfect failure of home education.
There are then, times when you try to explain yourself, trying to defend your own sense of self. There are then, times when you are always angry because people just dont seem to get it, especially when they see things differently by culture, and speak differently by language. Then, there is time when you finally understand it is no use to explain yourself again and again. People who dont like you and always judge you by their own arrogant opinion would never ever believe in whatever you say. And moreover, your good friends do not need your explanation of who you really are, because they see it with their own eyes,through the days they spent with you. Then you stop talking. And choose to listen. And you listen and listen and listen a lot and you find that there are million things you could understand, the better and the worse, if you stopped for a little while and listen to the sounds around you. Then you realized that there is no point in talking, really. To talk about you feelings, your opinion, your thoughts. The world has been too selfish to listen. And you want to be those small percentages who still do, and only stated your opinion when you think you should.
But it is sad, i think, if you completely loss the ability to tell your stories. Your simple story of what you have been through today. If you can no longer tell your friends that you might be fall in love with someone. It is sad if you sees your day as just the usual, and have nothing special about it….. Where maybe, there actually is something really interesting happened, but you are just too used to keep everything by yourself, too used to not to talk about yourself, and then you stop telling your precious stories. I think, in growing up you lose certain pieces of your childish self. When you grow up, there are things that are taken from you. You changed. You just not the same person anymore. You experienced things, you learned, you fell and you stood up again. Those kind of things are phase of growing up, and it is not always easy.
For the first time in my life, i understand fully with my heart that someday, everyone has to grow up. And also with all of my heart i could say, i am a bit scared. But nevertheless, i want to go through it. I just have to figure out how to grow up without losing too many pieces of myself. To modify it, not to completely lose it.
And you, have you grown up yet?