the times we had

“The Times we had.”
It was written on a wall in Tallinn, Estonia. I found myself stumbled across the very picture of that wall time and time again through a very dear friend’s social media account.
Tonight, I stared so long at that picture. My mind was full, but the funny thing is I don’t really know why it feels so full in there, in my mind. I guess it’s been quite a while it’s been that way, but recently my mind feels more like a chaotic battlefield than a simply full and packed warehouse.
I think I can almost hear Cindy yell at me, “your mind is the source of everything that is a mess in your life. And most of them aren’t even real.”

“The Times we had.”
Why do they have to capitalize the “t” on Times?
I’m not sure I understand the meaning of that phrase. the times we had.

There were times, when my closest friends are within my reach. There were times when everyone tells everyone what they were facing, how they felt, their fears, hopes and dreams.
There were times when it was easy to cry in front of each other, like it was not a sign of weakness and nobody needed to know if it was a right time to cry or not. We just cry when we need to.
There were times when everyone has time for everyone.
There were times when everyone was as close as skin, and nobody get hurt alone without someone else noticing it.
There were times when the night feels so rough but everyone stand up together and become each other’s strength.
were those the times we had?

Often now I find that those I loved the most are facing things that are either really really good and exciting or really hard and frustrating. Either way, those things drain too much energy out of them. Naturally, my reaction is to holdback. Because, how can I ask them to share my burden when I saw them struggling to carry theirs. When I try to tell Cindy about this, she looked amazed on what she called my mind playing tricks on me. And she was even more amazed because I actually do believe in the chaos my mind created. She said that, I am too stubborn to see that even though everything changes in our friends’ lives, they are never too worn out to lend me a hand. That my big theory of “your-own-problems-have-drained-too-much-energy-i-can’t-add-my-problems-to-your-life-too” is one big joke. It seems like as saintly as I think I am, what I’m doing is actually hurting me and possibly hurting other people too.

now wait a minute.
Suddenly I’m the bad guy girl.

I’m not being fair either, I get that. I didn’t at least try to talk. I’m the one who changed, I’m the one who thinks that I need to find a right time to let things out of my heart. Fine, I get that.
I just don’t know how to tell people about what I’m dealing with when I know that out there, others are struggling with so much heavier problems than mine. Won’t that make you feel selfish?

How am I supposed to tell everyone that I am in fact, anxious about my theses defense thing and quite don’t know what to prepare…. when I know that other people are fighting for their daughter’s life that has been diagnosed with bone cancer? I can’t be bugging them everyday just to let them know how nervous I am. Unlike me, everyone actually have a real life. like an everyday routine and they can become too busy and I am to sensitive right now to take even the slightest sign of “rejection” so I just chose to shut up.

How am I supposed to tell everyone that I don’t know what to feel towards the… geez I can’t even write that. Right, next week will be the third anniversary, if one can ever call it an “anniversary” of my father’s death. How am I supposed to tell everyone that I am pretty much afraid, anxious, agitated.. when I know that out there other people are struggling to fit in and find their places as a work force? In the crazy world of adapting, where everyone either enjoying working extra hours or actually getting sick being too tired… do I have to really be the crybaby one clinging to them every so often about my grief that has been going on for years. Really. I am such a selfish human being if I do that. And what about the Japanese that lost their kin on the 3/11 Tsunami? Their “anniversary” is like tomorrow. See? I’m not the only one grieving. I can’t be too selfish. And I can’t discuss this with my mom either. She would burst in tears, and that is the last thing I can handle right now.

How am I supposed to tell…. other gazillion things that is running on my mind? I can’t.

But there were really times back then, when it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how hard your own life is, it doesn’t matter how busy you are, it doesn’t matter how frustrating everything is, there were times when we can always… tell each other anything. always. and those were the times we had.

Published by reylasano

she writes your stories

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