hey all, so here i am.. it’s almost 11 p.m and i.. uh, kinda cant sleep so i think maybe (again) i could write something to at least release a small piece of million things i feel right now.
the good news is, it’s officially holiday! the bad news, it doesnt feel like one. not even close.
First, i still have two more Japanese exams, on Friday and Saturday. and it’s pretty tough, i think. i’m struggling with the grammar, i dhavent mastered all the Kanjis and i kinda feel like i’m so stupid right now. but i do believe i actually have no reason on complaining. after all, these exams was actually tools to help me see if i could at least speak and understand what people are saying out there in Japan and minimize the possibility of total mutism once i got there.
Second thing why this holiday doesnt feel like one? because i’m surrounded by grief. literally and seriously. My uncle died in Batam. the next day, my best friend’s father died – all of a sudden, some days after, Hoseki’s bestest friend was gone too.
this is crazy and ridiculous. i faced so MANY tears this week.
I cant help but feel jumpy when my phone rings on unusual hours. it would just rushed in my mind, the thought like, Oh God, please not another bad news. please please please.
Grief is a……………… it’s a force that have the power to put people on their weakest point, and it left scars that needed a massive amount of time to be healed. not nice, really not nice.
i wished upon a different holiday this semester. i imagined that my friends were all in a very good mood, and we could visit some nice places out of town and chatting and sharing and laughing at each other and having some fun.
i wished i would spend HOURS with my besties on making a list of what to bring to Japan, where i could get them and checking the list again.
i wished A will still be here by my side and things were just the same.
most importantly, i wished Dad is here.
it’s kinda hard to tell, but i’m really not that good in explaining my emotion, in telling people how i actually feel. it is far easier on telling facts than telling feelings i feel. it’s kinda easier to tell how A turned into someone i dont know. it’s easier to tell the fact that i bought my first winter clothes and i really like the coat. it’s easier to tell the fact that my Dad’s grave is almost ready with benches and photos and all.
but it’s hard, to explain how i feel so sad about A. it’s hard to explain that tough he wasnt the man i once knew, i still feel he’s a part of me. that i never regret any single moment, the good and the bad ones with him. and it is totally hard to explain that i still cant get over him.
it’s hard to explain that i am scared on going to Japan. it’s hard to tell my friends that i can not live by MISSING things, everything about them. it’s hard to explain i cant stand a day being so far away from my mum. it’s hard to explain, i really dislikes the idea of sleeping alone, like nobody i knew well is in the house. it’s hard to explain that for me, they worth A WORLD. and it’s kinda hard to make them simply understand, i DONT WANT to trade them with anything in this world.
and it is terribly hard, to explain, that through all times, i want my daddy here. i want him to see me. i want him to tell me things. i want him to feel proud, and i want to see his proud face. he doesnt even know im going to Japan and talking to his grave is different from talking to him directly. it is hard to explain that it is hurt, that through the gift on seeing things that are unseen, i never saw him. and for the first time in my life i beg so this gift could help me see his face. it feels so difficult on whining and crying into someone, crying that i miss my father so much. that part of me feel like life isnt worth it without him here. i looked up to him ALL THE TIME and he’s gone before i managed to become someone worth for him to feel proud. i am growing and he left. i wish, dear God, i wish i could see his smile. i wish, i could hear his voice, i wish he is with me. i wish, i wish he doesnt have to go.
and it is the hardest, on locking these things in my heart, not because i dont want to share it, not because i think nobody would understand, but simply because i dont know how.